Monday, September 21, 2009

"There is nothing wrong with change if It is in the right direction" Winston Churchill

After substituting in Laci's first grade class today I could not be happier that I didn't finish my early childhood education training. Oh my goodness, my blood pressure would be through the roof! I love substituting, but I know at 3 pm. it comes to an end. I cannot fathom dealing with this for an entire year. I have no idea why I thought I wanted to do that. Of course, I chose my major before I had children of my own, which may have much to do with it.

Days like this make me wonder why we make the decisions we make, especially those that do not come to the end intended. Case in point-my career. I could be negative and think it was a waste of time and money, but I know it isn't. I learned valuable things in that major, especially for someone who deals with children all day-even if they are my own. I met many people I wouldn't have and was able to impress upon their lives and they on mine. There are so many underlying outcomes to our choices in life other than the major obvious ones and when faced with doubt its always good to consider these.

Another big change in our life, we may be moving. I dont' know, its still talk, but we have an opportunity to move out of a house we like, but don't love. We'd be able to live mortgage free (yay) rent free (whoopee) and use our money to renovate a great big farm house with lots of potential. (and more extra money than we've been used to the last few months!) I don't know had you told me to do this a few years ago, I probably would have spit in your face. Well maybe not but some spittle may have found its way on you as I vehemently argued. But I walked through it, and though definitely a fixer upper, whoo, I see so much potential and see what it could be. Now I could was theological and make a point about that is how God sees us, not messed up in our sin, but how beautiful we are through his redemption, but i'll save that for another time. The bedrooms are bigger, and there would be a fourth we could use as a playroom. Today I was told there was no dishwasher nor hookup for it which made me gasp, so I am planning on buying paper products for awhile lol. Take that Obama and your green team. I know it will be a huge undertaking but I think it will be great. There is so much to do in the house we have now to make what we want, that I told Tony, what is the difference? Yes the farmhouse will need more, but we will have all expendable money minus our utilities, so its not a problem! Living here we dont' have the expendable income to do what I want. I'm just a wee bit excited at the prospect and trying not to get my hopes up til we know for sure, but I think it will happen!

I've just felt a bit bogged down in trying to see through the mud in this failing economy which has hit us hard as Tony worked for CSX and the stupid coal tax BO imposed immediately upon entering the White House hit rail freight hard, especially the lines around here, not to mention the cars that they used to haul not being exactly in demand with a failing auto industry. So I'm thrilled at the prospect at getting our heads above water. Also wanting to get out of this dumb house before Cap and Tax, (trade) goes through. If we have to retrofit this sucker to environmental standards we'll never be leaving! I could chase another trail about the disgusting infringement on nearly all aspects of our lives by big govt, but I feel it needs its own special blog.

Lookin' forward to change, with anticipation, not fear!


Saturday, September 12, 2009

First blog

So this is my first blog on here. Though not my first blog entirely. I don't know how much I will blog or if it will be of any interest, but I've been pondering the blog thing, and it seems this is the popular place to start out. Now seemed like a good time due to changes I'm making in my life, it may be interesting to see it laid out before me in type. I've missed writing, I used to so often and now feel my prose rough and lacking the smooth verbiage of one who often puts meandering thoughts to print. I'm hoping through this, I'll regain some of that minimal talent I once possessed and regain another piece of me I've left to the wayside.

I'm at strange time and place in life where I am starting to feel I need to rediscover me. I think once becoming a parent so much of time and life itself gets wrapped up into these tiny precious beings that are entrusted to us that one feels the need to put all into the child and thereby self gets left behind. I find myself now coming to a point where, though I still feel I give all to the kids, I want a little more for me, or more accurately of me.

To do that I am having to search out who that even is now. Time has marched on, and I'm not sure I followed the beat of the drummer. I'm a few paces out of step and scrambling to get on the right foot. I feel a bit as though I've come out of a spitup, diaper, Disney princess induced haze of mommyhood and looking in the distance to see if I remain.

All of this sounds much more gloomy than it is. In actuality, I am quite content, more so than that, happy. I love my life and a few minor inconveniences withstanding, would not change anything. I just want more of this very life. I've merely fallen into the same trap so many young mommies fall into , the lie that if we don't give every last ounce of energy and self into these fledglings we've failed. In doing that I've lost alot of what I was, but am now recapturing.

I have had to make conscious efforts, since the arrival of number two affectionately named Beastie, to be lighthearted and humorous. Not on all occasions, but just in everyday little occurrence, mostly with my husband, who had complained too often "you're no fun anymore". His saying this was in jest but I took it to heart, b/c I really don't feel I had been myself in the fun department in that recent past. Now the effort is an unconscious one and I might add I'm more silly and free at home than ever. Note to Jenny, if you read this, Tony saw the shovel for the first time this year and I've even broken it out for Leigh Anne and at a wedding. ;) In this new rediscovering of myself I've become more of myself, and realized she hadn't gone away, she was just suppressed under the unending demands of the neediest two beautiful girls I know. Having kids is fun in itself, but also the weight of having little people depending on you and needing you tends to weigh heavily on shoulders, even if not realized. Sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and let it out in a hearty laugh.

Part of this journey has led me to realize how much I love photography. While I'd seriously thought about just jumping in, I hadn't thought I would. I'm not much of a risk taker, but if not now then possiby never. In reality its not much of a risk as I bought the camera and flash both with money from wedding shoots, so things worked well that way. I remember being at a concert this summer (another part of Tony and I recapturing part of ourselves and our diminishing youth) a Group 1Crew member was talking about doing what you have passion for. Actually he specifically used photography as an example. "If God has given you a passion for photography do it. Start your own business. Don't sit in an office or in a classroom or do anything else you don't enjoy and let your passion pass you by, God has given that desire to you for a reason" So while not necessarily intended for me I took it as encouragement and ran with it. Its been a blessing so far even though I've just started and has led to many late nights of photo editing and website designing after insomniac baby finally dozes. Its worth it, I feel less stressed and more fulfilled and more like I have a separate identity from Mommy.

Tony and I have learned to do more for ourselves as well. Small things like playing tennis and more exciting things like going to tons of concerts lately. I think we're practically groupies for a couple of bands. Its been great and let us recapture some of that fun we had when we were first together.

So this blog has become much more introspective than intended and too long so really what I am saying is, find that little thing each day that makes you happy. Don't lose yourself in life, whether it be your wonderful kids who zap your energy or that demanding job. You are too priceless to be lost in the shuffle.