So this is my first blog on here. Though not my first blog entirely. I don't know how much I will blog or if it will be of any interest, but I've been pondering the blog thing, and it seems this is the popular place to start out. Now seemed like a good time due to changes I'm making in my life, it may be interesting to see it laid out before me in type. I've missed writing, I used to so often and now feel my prose rough and lacking the smooth verbiage of one who often puts meandering thoughts to print. I'm hoping through this, I'll regain some of that minimal talent I once possessed and regain another piece of me I've left to the wayside.
I'm at strange time and place in life where I am starting to feel I need to rediscover me. I think once becoming a parent so much of time and life itself gets wrapped up into these tiny precious beings that are entrusted to us that one feels the need to put all into the child and thereby self gets left behind. I find myself now coming to a point where, though I still feel I give all to the kids, I want a little more for me, or more accurately of me.
To do that I am having to search out who that even is now. Time has marched on, and I'm not sure I followed the beat of the drummer. I'm a few paces out of step and scrambling to get on the right foot. I feel a bit as though I've come out of a spitup, diaper, Disney princess induced haze of mommyhood and looking in the distance to see if I remain.
All of this sounds much more gloomy than it is. In actuality, I am quite content, more so than that, happy. I love my life and a few minor inconveniences withstanding, would not change anything. I just want more of this very life. I've merely fallen into the same trap so many young mommies fall into , the lie that if we don't give every last ounce of energy and self into these fledglings we've failed. In doing that I've lost alot of what I was, but am now recapturing.
I have had to make conscious efforts, since the arrival of number two affectionately named Beastie, to be lighthearted and humorous. Not on all occasions, but just in everyday little occurrence, mostly with my husband, who had complained too often "you're no fun anymore". His saying this was in jest but I took it to heart, b/c I really don't feel I had been myself in the fun department in that recent past. Now the effort is an unconscious one and I might add I'm more silly and free at home than ever. Note to Jenny, if you read this, Tony saw the shovel for the first time this year and I've even broken it out for Leigh Anne and at a wedding. ;) In this new rediscovering of myself I've become more of myself, and realized she hadn't gone away, she was just suppressed under the unending demands of the neediest two beautiful girls I know. Having kids is fun in itself, but also the weight of having little people depending on you and needing you tends to weigh heavily on shoulders, even if not realized. Sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and let it out in a hearty laugh.
Part of this journey has led me to realize how much I love photography. While I'd seriously thought about just jumping in, I hadn't thought I would. I'm not much of a risk taker, but if not now then possiby never. In reality its not much of a risk as I bought the camera and flash both with money from wedding shoots, so things worked well that way. I remember being at a concert this summer (another part of Tony and I recapturing part of ourselves and our diminishing youth) a Group 1Crew member was talking about doing what you have passion for. Actually he specifically used photography as an example. "If God has given you a passion for photography do it. Start your own business. Don't sit in an office or in a classroom or do anything else you don't enjoy and let your passion pass you by, God has given that desire to you for a reason" So while not necessarily intended for me I took it as encouragement and ran with it. Its been a blessing so far even though I've just started and has led to many late nights of photo editing and website designing after insomniac baby finally dozes. Its worth it, I feel less stressed and more fulfilled and more like I have a separate identity from Mommy.
Tony and I have learned to do more for ourselves as well. Small things like playing tennis and more exciting things like going to tons of concerts lately. I think we're practically groupies for a couple of bands. Its been great and let us recapture some of that fun we had when we were first together.
So this blog has become much more introspective than intended and too long so really what I am saying is, find that little thing each day that makes you happy. Don't lose yourself in life, whether it be your wonderful kids who zap your energy or that demanding job. You are too priceless to be lost in the shuffle.