I think I vaguely recall starting this whole blog thing off with a post about change in my life. In that blog post I remember writing how with all this change about I was sure 2010 was to be a year of blessing in our life, following up a bit of a tough one for us. Little did I know just how much blessing was in store!
Probably most, if not everyone now knows I am pregnant. Today I had my first dr. appointment and ultrasound. Having had a previous miscarriage, ultrasounds no longer are a source purely of excitement for me, they're mixed a bit with sadness and even a bit of panic or terror. The first ultrasound of the baby we lost was the one when I was in the E.R. after a nice lunch with friends and that ultrasound told us our baby had died. So I went into today with reserved excitement and a pit in my stomach. Though I felt all was well, and looked forward to solid confirmation that familliar dread crept in. I held my breath as he laid the probe against my exposed tummy and fought the urge to turn my head to the side not facing the monitor squeezing my eyes shut. Thankfully I didn't because immediately my little baby bean popped up on the monitor. The tech found the exact right spot with his first try, and we could even immediately see the flickering of a tiny heart. (so I'm crying now as i type this the full realization of the mix of emotions cascading on my mind during this retelling)
If you've never had the heartbreak of losing a baby, you can't understand, and thank God for that. I dont' wish this understanding on anyone. Every mom is esctatic to see that heart beat, but none more so than the mother who has seen the still baby or the empty sac on the cold monitor. That not only baby, but also heartbeat immediately were easily visible to my untrained eye I truly thank God for, my rainbow of promise. A tight squeeze in my hand by Tony and I'm sure he was thinking the same.
The ultrasound was quite short but long enough for us to see the wiggling of tiny limbs which have the outlines of hands and nubs of digits and even a close up on that tiny yet to be fully formed face.
I feel I can breathe easier now knowing that in my womb there is still a life that God knew even before it was created. A heart beating (and strong at 170) that will one day be given to that God in devotion and faith. And a year that indeed is bursting full of blessings.