Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Ella Bella baby no more :(
My little Isabelle betrayed me by growing up more still and turned the big 0-2 yesterday. I always look upon my children's birthdays with a mixture of great joy and a tinge of sadness. I consider them holidays in their own right and go to elaborate measures to celebrate two of the greatest days of my life-when my children came into my life.
At the same time, it always puts me in a reflection mode and as I remember the fleeting moments of the past years I can't help but tear up at just how fleeting they truly have been.
I can't believe how in 1 year a child can go from a baby to a full fledged kid. Of course the beauty of toddlerhood is there are still moments when Ella seems undeniably baby, especially when napping. But even those moments show her age, she is able to tell me not only that she wants to nap but also exactly how, with what items and what to drink in her sippy cup in no uncertain terms. Still, I have to hang on to what I have left of baby Ella. I'm very grateful for the head of curly hair that makes her look babyish. All of the babies in her age range are really looking older now and I think this is the only thing keeping her looking like my baby :(
I've enjoyed so much with her the past 2 years. She is definitely the opposite of her big sister and this has brought great joy and even bigger challenges. She is the typical wild child doing all the messy and gross things of childhood her older, much calmer sister never even imagined. We can't stop laughing though at her antics and that is definitely a blessing.
Some know, some do not, that between Ella and Laci I had a miscarriage which was devestating in every way. For months, nearly a year, I just couldn't imagine having the strength to be pregnant again and risk losing another child. While I feel my relationship with God took the initial pain away and gave me the strength to move one, I still struggled in each quiet moment of the day with the question of how can I ever do this again and will we ever have another child.
A year to the week of the miscarriage, we were in a new church and our pastor preached a message on giving God control of everything in our life. As I prayed that night I asked God to show me any areas which I had not given over to him. To my surprise and shockingly clear I felt that my fear of miscarriage was something I needed to hand over to Him. I felt I wasn't trusting God the way I should, that fearing another miscarriage was not placing faith in Him. And so, after some soul searching and real talk with God I realized I had been wrong and really placed my trust in Him. Although, I had some provisions, (i do not recommend deal brokering with God) I felt that I needed assurance that if we got pregnant again sometime in the future the child would be healthy and there would not be a miscarriage. This was the only way I could ever imagine someday being willing to risk pregnancy again. To be honest, I felt such peace after I prayed. A peace that had not fallen upon my mind and soul since that awful night I found out our baby was no more. Tony and I talked that night also, and decided we would start trying the following January after taking Laci to Disney World. Well, we got pregnant that week, when I should never have been able to! Talk about answer to prayer. yikes!
Ella has been such a blessing and I truly feel she is the fulfillment of a covenant made between God and myself. I could not be happier with this crazy little beautiful princess whom we affectionately and appropriately call Beastie and though I lament the quick passing of her babyhood I look forward to all that is yet to come in an undoubtly exciting little life.